Here's some great wisdom from Bob Mumford.

 It's been over a year since being in sort of isolation and I recently reflected on my walk of faith and knowledge of God and His gospel plan for humanity. Or what I thought about it all. A preacher once said you have to go back to the quarry from which your stone foundation of faith was cut so you can see how far the good Lord has taken you. 

My first recollection of stepping into a church I was so young I could barely talk. I think my family went to that church until we moved away from Culver City when I was 8. Lots of vague memories, but enough to know that I wasn't truly aware of God back then. That was when I was first made aware of alcohol with my dad hosting parties and having a bar in the living room.

When my family moved to West Covina in 1976, we had young neighbors who used to drive me to Costa Mesa on some weeknights to attend bible study in a large open space packed with young adults and teens. Lots of nice Jesus movement folks there. I was just a kid in the 4th grade who thought it was neat just to be out at night. It was a strange phase in my life where I was taught that burning certain rock albums was a good thing and demons were such a big deal that we had to confront them as if we knew where to find them. However, I recall closing my eyes and saying the sinners prayer after a weeknight bible study and it was there that I had a sense of God's presence in the room. I felt a warmth grow in my heart that loved Christ. However, it fizzled out after a short season.  

My Uncle Eli moved from the Philippines to pastor a church in the 1980s. At my Uncle's church, I learned to worship God and I still recall many beautiful moments with God and then going home to experiment with drugs and alcohol. A real Jekyll and Hyde lifestyle. I attended that church for several years until I left California to enlist in the Army. My whole time in the Army I prayed only when I needed help. And help always came in some shape or form. Shortly after being discharged from active duty, I stopped attending church and my fellowship with believers stopped. 

By the mid 1990s, I met a nice girl and we got married. At the time, I was a highly functioning drunk who couldn't finish college. I found out she had an affair by our 4th year together which made me feel like a complete failure and I tried to end my life with alcohol. Somehow God spared me and later that week, I went looking for God at an AA meeting. That was September 18, 2000. I got divorced a couple months after. A year passed when a friend from college introduced me to an R.C. Sproul book entitled Faith Alone. Then my Christian walk went down a hard road that introduced me to the idea that repentance wasn't just a one time thing you do saying a prayer. Repentance was a complete turning away from sinful living and that I was supposed to maintain that course until the end. And Calvinism taught me that I needn't worry about losing my salvation because I can't. However, if I continually sin after professing my faith in God then I was never truly converted to begin with. It led me to discover that if left to my own devices, I would selfishly manipulate everything and everyone in my life to my advantage. Including who I thought was God. At my core, I want to be the central focus of my life even if it means being an enemy of God. The Calvinist's interpretation of the Gospel was new to me and I clumsily summed it up as a choice to either surrender my life to Jesus or die in my sins separated from God's mercy forever in Hell. 

Surrender or die.  

It's been 20 years since God took me from being an inconsistent drunk to being aware that I am truly nothing without daily prayer, repentance, scripture, and an honest belief that I belong to Jesus.

So what quarry was my stone cut from? I don't really know nor do I really care now that I think about it. 

Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here. 

Everyday for 20 years, I wake up thinking about one choice.

Surrender or die.  

And my answer is always the same. Surrender my selfishness to Jesus and go wherever He takes me.